Step Work Wednesday: I Am Enough!

I have not written in a couple of weeks but there really hasn't been much to say beyond what've I've always been doing.  I'll try to blog more often now that there are some projects in the works for me to tackle over the summer.

But I wanted to write today because something happened that could have knocked me off track. And since it happened on a Wednesday, I thought I should apply the steps to this event.

I found out today that someone from my past that I truly, really loved has moved on.  Now, of course if they are from my past then they pretty obviously had done so (as had I).  And, granted, I was the one who ended all contact, but when you hear that someone is having a happy life without you when you otherwise had hoped that their happy life had been with you, it kind of does something to you.  Well, for me it did.  I really did want to be this person's friend, and I tried to be for a year after breaking up, but it was best for my cerebral health that we not be.  Our definitions of what a friend is differed.  We differed in too many ways that prevented a peaceful relationship of any kind, let alone a romantic one.  I'm pretty sure they'll make a great partner for someone because this person is an incredible human being -- but that someone is not me.  I choose not to be a parent but they wanted kids ... we would have never gotten along.

Anyway, after hearing that this person from my past had "officially" moved it on brought some old negative feelings of self doubt out of the closet.  You know the ones - "What was it that I did wrong?"  and "Why couldn't it have worked for us?"  and the worst one, "Why wasn't I good enough? I should have just shut up and had a kid."


And once your mind starts messing with you like that, making think about going against your own standards, you start to fall into that pathetic self-pitying woe-is-me cycle.  I stuck my toes into that cycle today.  I did.  But instead of cramming food down my throat as I would have in the past, I put on my shoes and I went for a walk.  For the first thirty minutes I could barely see because of my stupid tears.  But I had to keep going, keep walking, and in addition to my crying I was walking down the street, thinking about the lead picture that I downloaded earlier this week, almost yelling YOU ARE ENOUGH!  YOU ARE ENOUGH! 

I'm pretty sure I was a peculiar sight.

On my return trip I had calmed down some but I was still upset.  Then I crossed to the west side of the street because it was tree-lined and the sun was burning the sweat and tears on my face.  That's when I came upon this ...

... and then I just started to feel better.  I stopped walking and just stared at that personalized plate for a good three minutes.  It made me snap out of my self-pity.  I wanted to run up to the house it was in front of, knock on the door, and thank that person.

Be Who You Are Because You Are Enough:
3)  We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.

15) We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for our growth.

16) We grow in awareness that we are sacred beings, interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet.

The choice that I made, to not be a parent, was decided upon long before I met this person and it is the right choice.  It is the choice that will be fine for the one who is right for me.  It is my "authentic self" and it is my truth.  I almost started to beat myself up for feeling sad about what is no more because SuperWomen are unbreakable, right?  No!  Fear of tears and refusing to feel does not mean you're unbreakable.  I accept that being sad is okay, it's part of "life as natural events that can be used as lessons for growth." I understand that at 37 years old I have not yet met The One, it's possible that I never will.  And that is okay because I am enough.  I am enough because I am a loving and creative person who values true honesty, respect, and friendship.  I am enough because I am more than just my relationship status.  I am enough because I am everything to those who already love me.  I am enough because I love myself.  I am enough because the people that I love have not one iota of doubt that I do.  I am enough because I contribute my happy energy to the world.  I am enough.  


I am enough!


I leave you with a word from my cool friend Margot who was very timely at yelling this at me after learning that I fell off my new bicycle this morning, because it could be applied to everything that happened today: "Get back on that bike! Keep riding!"


Yes, ma'am.

Step Work Wednesday: Vanity

Today someone insinuated that I was vain because I addressed a passive-aggressive status that they posted on Facebook immediately after I commented on something really shitty that they wrote on one of my posts.

Keeping up?  Good.

So, anyway ... what is vanity?  What does it mean to be vain?

Well, let's take a look:

van·i·ty

[van-i-tee] Show IPA noun, plural -ties, adjective

noun

1. excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.; character or quality of being vain;  conceit: Failure to be elected was a great blow to his vanity.

2. an instance or display of this quality or feeling.

3. something about which one is vain.

4. lack of real value; hollowness; worthlessness: the vanity of a selfish life.

5. something worthless, trivial, or pointless.

Admittedly, being called vain threw me for a loop because I have worried about coming off as too self-absorbed with my posts on Facebook.  I talk about my quest to become healthy a LOT, and I have repeatedly told people to feel free to hide my posts when they feel like they've had too much.  Yes, my posts are all about me. However, this situation was different in that the person was clearly being p-a in response to something I said and then implied that I was imagining things.  I wasn't.  I'm confident in that (because that person is still posting p-a crap last I saw, but I've since hidden their posts).  But still .. vain?

Okay, so since today is Step Work Wednesday, let's see how I can apply this incident to keeping a healthy mind (and body) in relation to the 16 Steps.
Take the generic but popular phrase and song lyric, "You're so vain, I bet you think this song (post) is about you."

There are two steps that affirm the emotion I feel is valid. I'm underlining the parts that stand out the most:


6) We affirm and enjoy our intelligence, strengths and creativity, remembering not to hide these qualities from ourselves and others.
If I am busy being worried about what people think of my pride in my accomplishments, and spend a good amount of time trying to suppress my successes, then how can I enjoy and celebrate them?  I can't.  I am damn proud that I'm not a dumbass, that I can decipher BS when I see it, and that I've lost (to date) 64 pounds.  I've learned along this journey that I am an amazing cook, dreaming up delicious and creative recipes that help me lose excess weight.  I've also been gifted with enough intelligence to know that there are people who are just not happy, no matter how much they try to convince themselves that they are, and will do what they can to bring their darkness to others.  This is definitely not something to keep under wraps, to do so is to snuff out my light.

10) We learn to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know and we feel what we feel.
I know what I see, I am not blind.  Everyone shows you who they are, but it's our job to believe them when they do.  Passive aggressive behavior is anti-social behavior, and to pretend that you are not being anti-social when you absolutely are, borderlines on sociopathic behavior.  I trust the truth, and I know how the truth makes me feel.  Prepending things you say with "no offense but ...," or ending them with "just saying" are key identifiers of anti-social comments.  If you have to tell someone to not be offended then -- surprise! -- you're being offensive.  And to be offended by something "on the internet" doesn't make me or anyone else weaker than the person who made the offensive comment.

So maybe I should not have initially addressed the person who was being p-a (I eventually decided to ignore them), but I definitely thought this was a learning experience.  In the future, I'll know to gloss over the comments of anti-social, passive-aggressive people and just roll with it.

Step Work Wednesday: Guilt, shame, and feelings

Step seven of the 16 Steps to Discovery and Empowerment:

7) We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourselves and others.

When I look over my emotional history of EDs and dieting what stands out the most is shame.  I was ashamed of my size, I was ashamed for falling off of diets, I was ashamed having to use food to cope with my emotions.  But what I did not realize is that I was ashamed of the abuse I had been subjected to.  I thought that all my problems would go away if I could only stop eating so much.  I had no idea that the surface shame was only the tip of the iceberg and that it was connected to being abused.  I simply ignored that I was abused.

And that was the problem.

I am a collector of self-help workbooks and I really love The Food And Feelings Workbook by Karen R.  Koenig.  I have been working on it, along with the 16 steps, and I am learning so much about myself.  The issue with abusing food (or any substance) is almost always a coping mechanism for some type of emotional trauma the abuser has experienced.  For me, I could eat myself numb and I would not have to think about what happened to me.  I would just black out.  Of course I did not know this as I was eating --  and that was frustrating because I just figured I had no willpower or that I was weak --  but now that I know that I was eating so I wouldn't feel my own feelings, I can use that knowledge to persevere. 

I (now) know that feelings can not hurt me.  I've been through all the hurt already and I can not be hurt by my abusers anymore.  So it is up to me now to re-learn how to allow emotion to happen and not be afraid of it.  From the workbook:

"The function of emotions is to tell us about the internal world, just as senses provide guidance in the external world.  Think about how grateful we are for our senses, how much we value the ability to see, hear, taste, touch, and smell.  We don't get angry at our senses or try to ignore them.  Instead, we accept them because we've figured out their purpose: to help us negotiate the external world.  When it comes to feelings, though, we're ready to close up shop and go fishing.  Emotions scare, puzzle, and confuse us. They drive us to eat, shop, drink, starve, gamble, work, exercise, talk nonstop, live dangerously, and take drugs in order to not feel them.  Imagine doing that to avoid your senses!  To sum up, you cannot live a happy, meaningful, satisfying, life without experiencing the full range of feelings -- good, bad, or indifferent.  If you shut them off, you're asking for trouble, because they're the built-in radar system you need to interact effectively with the world.  If you want to lead a rich and fulfilling life, accept that your emotions have a vital purpose ..."

That is a powerful paragraph and for someone who has been steeped in any type of self-destructive and addictive behavior it is so enlightening.   It may sound circular, but in order for me to let go of the guilt and shame of being abused, I have to allow myself to feel that guilt and shame of being abused.  I can not eat the shame and guilt.  I can not exercise off the shame and guilt.  I can not work off the shame and guilt in the form of a 4.0 GPA.  I can not do anything but feel it and let it fall away, so that it will no longer be in the way of loving myself.

I have a confession

So ... I kinda cheated today and weighed myself.  Okay, fine!  There's no kinda about it at all -- I did cheat and weigh myself when I had previously decided that I would not weigh again for a whole month.

But I can explain!

You see, in the past I have used Intuitive Eating principles to help me control the effects of my ED. Eating intuitively is about checking in with your body and listening to hunger cues, giving your body the respect it deserves, and being ok with food -- all food.  From the website:

Intuitive eating is an approach that teaches you how to create a healthy relationship with your food, mind, and body--where you ultimately become the expert of your own body.   You learn how to distinguish between physical and emotional feelings, and gain a sense of body wisdom.   It's also a process of making peace with food---so that you no longer have constant "food worry" thoughts.  It's knowing that your health and your worth as a person do not change, because you ate a food that you had labeled as "bad" or "fattening”.  

This is a popular therapeutic method to help people with EDs overcome their disorder.  And while it doesn't focus on weight loss per se, the fact of the matter is that once you make peace with food and yourself, your body will settle into the weight that it is supposed to be.  I have had success with eating intuitively in the past and what has sent me back into disordered eating patterns is becoming too focused on weight loss and being a certain size.

I had been using Weight Watchers Points Plus system since January and it has worked well-- I can't deny this fact.  But I think part of the reason for that is because WW does not deem any food bad.  You can have what you want, just in moderation.  So while it seems like less of a diet to me, the structure is something I did need to get myself in gear.   When I said in the previous post that I wanted to stop weighing in every week, what I didn't say is that I was going to switch from the Points Plus plan to Weight Watchers' Simply Filling plan.  The Simply Filling plan is different in that you do not track daily Points Plus values, but eat freely from the Power Foods list (.pdf warning) plus a few more items, but only enough so that you feel satisfied, hence the name Simply Filling.  If you want to indulge and eat something that is not on the Power Foods list, then you subtract the Points Plus value of that food from your weekly allotment of 49 Points Plus and any activity points that you have earned through exercise.

I did.  I combined what I knew about Intuitive Eating with what I am learning from Weight Watchers' Simply Filling plan. And you know what?  I lost weight.  I weighed this morning and I am down an additional 8.2 lbs. since I said I was going to stop weighing (Feb 21st)  bringing my total to 58.2!

So yes, no matter how you work it ... Weight Watchers works!  I think I am going to stick with the Simply Filling plan because there is no demand to meet your set weight and age-based Points Plus values (which WW encourages you to meet if you're tracking Points Plus) and it allows me to let my body be in the driver seat.

To be able to eat only when I am hungry is so very empowering for me.  To entrust my body to take care of me and to let it get to the weight that it wants to be is the highest form of self love.

The Personhood of Dazzling Pants

I have a pair of pants that I bought out of frustration last fall because I was unable to fit anything in my closet that wasn't sweat pants.  That was not the end of it though, by Thanksgiving those pants were screaming at the seams because I had gained even more weight!  The pants are black, elastic waist, and nondescript other than being absolutely ginormous.  Once they started to loosen up, I gave them the name Big Mama Bend Over.

Those pants are too big now and I have bought an identical pair two sizes smaller, which fit perfectly, but probably not for long and I hope they will be too big in some weeks.  The style is my go-to style for work pants (we can't wear jeans).  Sometimes I put on Big Mama Bend Over to give myself perspective but also for another reason:

Once long, long ago I saw a lady on TV who was celebrating her weight loss on some guru's infomercial.  She was on a stage and there was nothing peculiar about her at first glance.  But then she unzipped her fly and took off her jeans to reveal another pair underneath.  Then, she did it again to reveal another pair.  Then again, then again .....

In total, the lady had on eight pairs of jeans with the largest ones that we first saw her in being on top.  That is what I want to do with Big Mama Bend Over!  I also want to be one of those people who stands in one leg of their old pants and holds the other half out next to them.  I am going to make it happen.  I can do anything!

Big Mama is a reminder, and she is motivation to keep living a healthy life.

Step Work Wednesday: Keeping My Power

I have decided that on Wednesdays I will post one of the steps and apply it to recent or current situations.

Step One of Charlotte Kasl's 16 Steps to Discovery And Empowerment:

1) We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

It has already been established here at Healthy Before 40 that my history with food is troubled.  When trying to overcome the emotional pain in their lives, some people use drugs, some people drink, some even have promiscuous sex.  For me, it has been food.  I have abused food to "check out" and not have to think about what has happened to me.
We all know that everyone needs food to stay alive, so how do I keep from going too far?  I am not going to lie; as much as I love food, I am also terrified sometimes of what it could do to me if I lose control over it.  I love cooking, looking at recipes, looking at photos, meandering grocery store aisles -- all of it.  But when it is time for me to sit down and actually eat, I have to stop everything I am doing and check in with myself to make sure I don't overdo it.  I have to sit and wait for my brain to say, "You've had enough. Stop!" and this takes about 20 minutes.  This is eating intuitively.

While I do count points and measure and weigh all my food per suggestion of Weight Watchers, I also incorporate some intuitive practices that allow me to let my body remain in control.  Weight Watchers can make suggestions, but your body knows what you need, how much of it, and when you've had enough.  Granted, I don't always get it "right," but for the most part I am right on track.  This keeps me in control over food, allows me to take charge of my life and release myself of dependency.

In short, I know that I have more power than a cookie, it's just something I have to remind myself of to remain successful.

Temptation

When you are faced with something that you know could very well throw you off track, something that you know has been your downfall in the past, what do you do?

Today was "Chip & Dip" day in my department at work.  I didn't know about this, as it was something that was organized in my absence.  So when I arrived at work this afternoon, I was faced with this:

Let's get a closer look.

For me, potato chips, tortilla chips, guacamole, cheese dip, and other creamy dips have been some of the foods that have wrecked my diets of past.  I don't keep this stuff in the house now because I know, I know, that I won't be able to control myself if it's just me, a bag, and a dip

You can't see them in the pictures, but I counted six bags of tortilla chips at work today.  Six. Bags. Big ones.  For my own lunch I had brought a bowl of my favorite taco soup that I made last night.  While I know that I can't keep things like this in the house, I know that on Weight Watchers, I can incorporate small servings into my daily Points+ total (or use some of my 49 weekly Points+ values on an indulgence).  Part of my Weight Watchers success has been limiting my use of my weekly Points+ values. Very rarely have I dipped into that cushion.

Today I decided that I'd figure one serving of tortilla chips into my daily Points+ tally so that I could have them with my soup.  One serving of tortilla chips (about seven whole chips) has 4 Points+.  This means that in order to eat those chips, I have to either shave off 4 Points+ by way of axing something else I had planned to eat, or earn enough exercise Points+ so that I can eat the chips without dipping into my weekly Points+ values.  I decided that I would eat more zero Points+ value veggies at dinner so that I could have the chips.

This is why I love Weight Watchers -- the system guides you to watch what you eat, to be conscious of everything you put in your mouth, while doing away with the notion that certain foods are bad.  This is the structure that I need after years of fad dieting and living with EDs.   I didn't have any of the dips today, but I don't feel deprived at all because I was able to eat something I love while staying on track with my weight loss plan.

What do you do when you're tempted?  Do you have a backup plan?

Taking a leap

Happy Leap Year Day!

In my last post, I stated that I believe 99% of a person's effort to get fit starts in the mind.  It's not something I said because I think it sounds good, it is something I truly believe.  We want our bodies to be fit and we're willing to do the work, but are our minds prepared to do so? 

Can we press "stop" on all the negative tapes in our head that have been on auto-play? You know the ones -- they tell you things like You're not allowed to do ______, and If you don't _______, then you'll never ______, or You're not going to be able to do _________ because back when _________ you ________.  It's the C R A P that you have been listening to and believing that sabotages your true potential.


I contemplated whether or not I wanted to address this on my blog and I have decided that not doing so is not being true to myself.  I realize that I am opening myself up to scrutiny but there is part of me that truly believes exposing the things that have kept me in darkness, so to speak, will not only help me, but will also help bring others to light. 






[TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEX ABUSE, PHYSICAL ABUSE, EMOTIONAL ABUSE.  SCROLL DOWN TO SKIP THE RED, TRIGGERING TEXT.]

On this extra day of the year, Feb 29th, I'm going to take a leap and reveal some of my history.

For me, getting physically fit is a bit more than just choosing the right foods and getting in good workouts.  I work every day, every hour, to get emotionally fit.    Why?

When I was five years old, I was molested and raped by a teen boy in my mother's care and it continued until I was seven.  When I was ten, I was molested again on several occasions by someone in my family.  When that family member could no longer sexually abuse me (because I made it so that they couldn't), they turned to physically abusing me -- hitting me, beating up on me and destroying my property.  When they couldn't physically abuse me anymore, they kept emotionally abusing me.  That emotional abuse continued until I was 34 years old. 

By the time I was nine, I had a full-blown eating disorder.  I have binged, I have starved, I have purged through vomiting. I have abused laxatives, I have cut myself, I have punched myself in the stomach, I have punched myself in the jaw, I have wrapped rubber bands around my wrists to cut off circulation and to snap myself with them, I have bitten my tongue -- literally -- to punish myself.   I have been really abusive to myself because that is how I was always treated and it's what I believed was how I was supposed to be treated.

When I finally put an end to the abuse that the family member was subjecting me to by removing them from my life, I gained 100 pounds.  I was already a large person before this rapid weight gain, so I looked and felt terrible -- emotionally and physically.

I was tearing my way through food so I wouldn't have to think about the emptiness I felt because no one was around to treat me like shit.  Except, I was treating me like shit because deep down I still believed that I deserved it.  Of course I don't.  No one does.  

 [END OF TRIGGERING TEXT]

 No one deserves to be treated the way I have treated myself.  I took the first step by removing a toxic individual from my life, and what I am doing now -- this blog, and this desire to be healthy -- is the next step. 

Taking the steps to heal and recover.

I have tried doing step work before -- the 12 Steps of AA, adapted for people with addictions to food (Food Addicts Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Eating Disorders Anonymous).

I could never get past step one, We admitted that we are powerless over ... because thinking of myself as powerless only deals with the surface when it's deeper than that.  I was powerless to the people who hurt me, it's time for me to acknowledge my power and recognize my ability to overcome my past on my own. And though I was raised in a semi-christian home, I am an atheist.  The 12 Steps are based on religious beliefs.

The 16 Steps To Discovery And Empowerment, implemented by Dr. Charlotte Kasl, is a better model for me.  From Kasl's website: 

"The 16-step empowerment model is a wholistic approach to overcoming addiction that views people in their wholeness-- mind, body and spirit. A fundamental basis of this model is flexibility and an openness which leads to continually ask: What works? Who does it work for? and How can we help it work better? It encourages people to be continually open to new information and not to become trapped in dogmatic teachings. At its core, this model is based on love not fear; internal control not external authoritarianism; affirmation not deflation; and trust in the ability of people to find their own healing path when given education, support, hope and choices."




Let's look at the first step of each model -- 12 Steps vs. 16 Steps -- in comparison to each other.

12 Steps
1) We admitted that we were powerless over [our addiction], that our lives had become unmanageable.

16 Steps
1) We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

Do you see the difference?  The first of the 16 Steps names the sickness of addiction while acknowledging that each person has the power to change it for themselves.  The first of the 16 Steps holds the person more accountable, thereby empowering them more so than the first of the 12 Steps would.  Reading the full 16 Steps, you will see that they take into account the fact that minorities and women have been powerless for centuries among white males, and that in order to recover uncover and dis-cover our potential, we have to recognize that the keys to do so are within us and not a "higher power," or "sponsor".  In short, the 12 Steps are paternalistically suited to white men in power, where the 16 steps are more geared toward those who have been oppressed.  The 16 Steps are also ideal for those who do not profess any belief in a god, whereas the 12 Steps demand that you acknowledge there is a god "as you understand HIM".  When I come across the word "god" in the 16 steps, I replace it with "love".  The 16 Steps are flexible in that way.  Click the 16 Steps tab at the top of this blog to see the full list.

So I have decided that on Wednesdays I will be using the 16 Steps to reflect over the previous week and to gear up for the coming week. Step Work Wednesday is when I will choose one of the steps to go over and see how my actions have played out in relation to it.  Or, I will think about my behavior and how it can be improved using the 16 Steps to guide me.

I feel myself evolving.

Me and my girl

I'd like to think that 99% of the effort to get fit starts in the mind.  If you're not ready, then you're just not ready.  Period.

Another 0.5% is conquering fears, and the rest is just doing it.  One of my greatest fears has been rooted in Fat Person On A Bike syndrome.  While I am not terribly ashamed of my body per se, there has been a part of me that just does not want people to see me riding a bike in public despite the fact that riding a bike in public has been something that I have always wanted to do.  Running will come later, but the low-impact nature of riding a bicycle is perfect for me.  Why not start now?

So, today I bought a bike.

Meet Bertha.  Bertha La Bloux is the full name that I have given her and she's my birthday present to myself.

Isn't she precious?  I had a choice between black, silver, yellow, and orange, but blue won out.  This is a Worksman Women's Deluxe base model (1-speed).  The one that I ordered through a local bike shop looks just like it, only it is a 3-speed.  Bertha has gears on the handle bars that will help me tackle hills.  I can not tell you how excited I am and I'm counting down the days until she is here.  Next up is shopping for a helmet, a chain/lock, headlight (I'll be riding to/from work after dark), and a basket!

I have saved up for this moment, financially and emotionally, and now it's time to let myself be free to enjoy something regardless of what people may think.  Go ahead and get your point-and-laugh on if you must, I do not care.  I'll be too busy getting my ride on.

Lunch With AJ: Mexitalian soup

Trying to use up older food in my cabinets and fridge, I threw together this soup for quick, at-work meals and it is delicious.  There's a hodgepodge of ingredients: frozen corn, some leftover black beans, fire roasted tomatoes with green chilis, Italian-style stewed tomatoes, onion, garlic, peppers, chicken-style TVP, and veggie pepperoni slices by Yves, which you can probably tell by looking at the soup, that I like a lot.  I mean, I didn't even bother with cutting the slices in half.  LOL! ;-)
It is seasoned with Mexican style spices (cumin, paprika, red pepper) as well as Italian style spices (oregano, basil, garlic), so I call it Mexitalian.  Clever, huh?

I used 3 cups of vegetable broth and then just threw everything into the Crock Pot to heat it through.  My soups always taste better the next day, so I put aside this one-cup portion for lunch the following day and then put the rest in individual storage bowls to freeze so I can just grab one for future lunches.  Sorry for the crappy picture, but I have a brand new camera coming soon! Woo hoo!

The Weight Watcher's recipe builder says a one-cup serving has 3 Points+

Why I eat carbs

Pasta, bread, cereal, starchy vegetables, sweet fruit;  I eat it all! I am not afraid of carbohydrates, but I do limit my portion sizes when I do have them, as you should with everything you eat.  I use measuring cups to mete out my portions for 100% whole grains.

Serving size for whole wheat bread: 1 slice, or one small roll. 
Serving size for whole wheat pasta: 1/2 cup, cooked. 
Serving size for cold whole grain cereal: 3/4-1 cup, depending on the style (flakes, O's, etc.).
Serving size for hot whole grain cereal: 1/2 cup.
A potato's serving size is 1/2 of a large 4" potato or one small red, new potato.


Eating a sandwich every day does not "make you fat," but eating a entire loaf of bread every day might.  It's all about portion control and moderation.  You can reduce your fat intake and lose weight.  You can cut your carbs and lose weight.  But the reason why you're losing weight is because in reducing your fat or carbs, you're also reducing your calories.  The almighty calorie -- that's all that matters when you're trying to shed pounds.

Here's the math:

Say you want to lose one pound per week.  You'll need to shave off 500 calories per day from what you normally eat.  You can do that in a few ways: You can eat 250 calories less in food and exercise off another 250 calories.  You can cut 500 calories in just eating less food.  Or you can exercise off 500 calories through working out and keeping your diet the same.

After one week (7 days) you will have burnt 3500 calories.  There are 3500 calories in one pound of fat.  This will result in your one pound weight loss.

All that matters to me is the almighty calorie, but I don't actually count calories, I count Weight Watchers Points+ values that have already figured in the calorie amounts for me.  This way, I can moderately eat the carbs, I can eat the foods that are not low fat.  This is why I love Weight Watchers: there are no "bad" foods!  If I want cake at a birthday party or pizza on family night, I can have it but I have to make sure I have enough Points+ values to spend on the cake or pizza by budgeting my allotted Points+ values.

For the past couple of days I have been craving pasta alfredo, which is traditionally loaded with fat and carbs.  Moderation is about making choices, so I had to decide which calorie-maker, carbs or fat,  I wanted to reduce in order to cut my overall calories.  Carbs (pasta) had to be cut this time because I wanted the awesome flavor that comes with alfredo sauce containing fat.  So on my grocery trip today, I spent the time to look over the different pasta sauces and used my Points+ calculator app on my phone to figure out which one had the lowest per serving. (Creamy Alfredo Sauce by Private Selection [a Kroger store brand] won out with 80 calories and 7 g of fat per 1/4 cup serving, and a Points+ value of 2.)

This seems like a lot of fat for so little food, right?  (The absolute truth is that we really don't need as much food as we think we do.)  If you want to eat the things that you really need to be moderate about, you have to be creative and innovate.  I had the serving of pasta sauce and combined it with 1 cup of broccoli cuts (adds filling fiber for minimal calories and 0 Points+), one serving of my favorite chicken-style TVP (no fat, lots of fiber, 2 Points+), and one bag of Shirataki noodles, which are calorie-free, fat-free, carb-free, gluten-free, and all fiber.  I used these "miracle noodles," not because I fear carbs, but because I wanted to shave calories off the meal due to using the full-fat alfredo sauce.  You have to be smart about eating smart!  The recipe builder/calculator at Weight Watchers put this very filling meal right at 6 Points+, so I got all the flavor of chicken alfredo pasta from a satisfying portion with reduced calories, a moderate fat content, and a low Points+ value.

I eat complex carbs because our bodies need them to stay regular and healthy.  And frankly, though I probably can live without bread, I don't want to!  That's the plain truth.

Grocery Excursions: discovering red bananas

It's Wednesday - that means it's grocery shopping day for me.  I got all my food that I'd need for the week, but I discovered something interesting that I had not noticed, or even heard of before: red bananas!

At $2.99/lb I decided to skip them this time.  But I have since talked to my best friend -- who awesomely has decided to do WW with me! -- and she says they are called manzanos.  They are popular in Latin American countries (she's Puerto Rican). I googled them and apparently they have a sweeter taste and softer bite than yellow bananas with a hint of a raspberry-like flavor.

WHAT?!

I will definitely be picking up a couple on my next grocery trip!

Taking a break from the scale

I was watching The Biggest Loser tonight and I felt resonated by something.  A lot of the people on that show bust their tails all day long so that when weigh time comes, they can show a big loss.  They very often lose tremendous amounts of weight in just, what I am assuming, is a week's time.  A guy tonight lost 12 lbs since the last weigh in.  I don't think that is healthy at any size, even with strict supervision like they have. Granted, I lost 50 lbs in less than three months, myself.  But I do know that it is time to slow down my weight loss and proceed at a normal rate in order to ensure that I will keep it off once I get to my goal.

A few of the ladies on TBL tonight lost 1 or 2 pounds, a completely normal loss, yet they were absolutely mortified by it, and you could actually see the wind go out of their sails.  The trainer's faces showed disappointment.  Why?  Because they (and I, in the past) let a scale, a piece of plastic, tell them if they had been "good" or "bad".  Some of the ladies even gained weight, which is also normal when you hit a plateau or lose a lot of weight very quickly.  Your body needs a chance to catch its breath!

Which brings the conversation back to me.   For two months I weighed myself every day.  Every day. Then, I hit my first 50 lbs loss last week, but guess what?  I weighed myself today and I have gained one pound.  I didn't do anything that I had not done before, but I did have to remind myself that my body is settling.  I am not going to let a scale dictate my happiness.  I am uber proud of how far I have come, I know that I am eating right, I know my clothes are getting too big, and I know that I feel a whole lot better than I did on December 1st.

So, I have decided to put my scale away for a while.  I was weighing myself every morning and I have got to stop doing that and this little one-pound gain was my cue to do so. It's my body trying to get my attention and tell me to use my brain and stop letting the numbers on the scale "make" me.  I am going to just weigh myself every few weeks now because I felt myself falling into old habits.  You know the ones where you put time-limits on yourself like, "I'll lose X amount of pounds by ...."

You simply can not do that to yourself.  If you don't meet that goal by the time you want to, then you'll feel like you're not doing something right.  I think from now on, it'd be better to give myself goals that are healthy achievements, based on what my body can do now as opposed to what it couldn't do before I started losing, instead of shooting for a certain number.  Things like On Dec 2nd I couldn't ______, but now I can. 

In my heart, I am a runner.  My body wants to run but it simply can not right now.  So my goal is to start running.  This means that my walks will have to become jogs. From jogging will come running.  But .... I am giving myself the time to accomplish this with no deadline to have it done.  I may not be a runner by the end of 2012.  Heck, maybe not even by the end of 2013, and that is okay.

So my scale is going to go into the closet and come out only once a month, even though WW wants you to weigh in once a week.  Once month is fine, I think.  Since I already know my weight as of today, my next weigh-in will be around this time next month.

Now that my back is no longer killing me from carrying so much weight, I can focus on being healthy in other ways instead of "pounds lost".  

Step 3 of Charlotte Kasl's16 Steps To Empowerment says:  We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.

I'm going to have to just trust my body to handle everything because the truth is that I'm eating right, feeding it healthy food and clean water, and moving it five times a week.  The scale doesn't know the truth, my body knows.

That's self-love.

Down 50 pounds

Today I am officially at a 50 pound loss.   I am thrilled.  I wish I had started sooner!

Funny thing is, I always thought that I wouldn't be able to lose any of this weight.  Save for a few years of my very early childhood, I have always been "big," but things had spun out of control and it was no longer a matter of losing, it had become a matter of trying to keep from gaining.  In March of 2010 I got on hormones that were absolutely necessary (short of a hysterectomy) to help with horrific menstruals.  The fact that I don't want kids was a plus.  I loved it.

Then I started to gain weight really fast.  I packed on 100 lbs in about 17 months.  I completely blamed the IUD and failed to face the true reality -- my bad eating and lack of movement was a large contributor to what was making me sickly, tired, fat(ter), and depressed. I didn't want to get rid of the IUD, but I wanted to drop weight.

I didn't have the IUD removed but I decided to see if I could "beat" it.  I am an almost-straight A student after spending a decade as a college dropout.  I have a 3.98 cumulative GPA and I'm on the Dean's List every semester.  I'm a member of two different honor societies.  I am not bragging; my point is that I am too smart to be this fat.  No, really.  I am.  I can tell you the calorie count and fat grams in any food, right off the top of my head.  I can tell you how many calories you would have to cut in order to lose 2 lbs a week.  I can tell you that no, muscle does not "weigh more than fat," because a pound of fat weighs the same as a pound of muscle -- one pound -- but muscle is more dense. I can tell you that a pound of fat "costs" 3500 calories shaved off of your weekly diet.   I know this; I know how calorie expenditures and workouts and all of that work.  I have been doing this dieting thing for over 25 years.  So no, I am not bragging. I am just stating that I have long had the knowledge to do this but I could never finish what I start and make it to my lifetime goal of 145 lbs or size 10, whichever one feels best.  I have always felt in my heart that I could do anything, only my body was beginning to fail me and not let me accomplish everything I want to do.

Ten years ago I lost 80 pounds but unfortunately I gained it back, plus some.  In those 10 years I have sat at the same desk at work, I have not educated myself, I have not traveled the way I want to, I have not done any of the things I have always wanted to do.  My body simply can not keep up with my ambitious and adventurous spirit.

In my heart, I am a runner.  Last summer I had trouble walking.  I am walking better now and picking up speed, but I want to start jogging before the year is out.  From jogging will come running.  I can do it.  If I treat my body well I can do it.   I can do anything if I just treat my body well.

So far, I have had a great start and I'm looking forward to shaving off another 50 lbs and getting to goal.

Product Review: Betta Foods Chicken TVP

In my last post I mentioned that I have a family history of cholesterol issues, so I can appreciate veganism as an option for a cholesterol-free diet.  Lately I have been substituting meat with TVP granules by Bob's Red Mill.  According to Wikipedia TVP, or textured vegetable protein (sometimes called TSP for textured soy protein), "is a defatted soy flour product; a by-product of extracting soybean oil. It is often used as a meat analog or meat extender. It is quick to cook, with a protein content equal to that of meat." 
Unlike meat, though, TVP is fat free, cholesterol free, and has fiber so it's very filling, even when you use just a small amount.  It is a lot cheaper than meat, too, which is great for my student grocery budget.

The granule type TVP has worked fine for what I wanted to do, but on Thursday I got delivery of 6 bags of 3 different kinds of TVP from Betta Foods.  I got chunks this time because I wanted to make some cholesterol-free versions of dishes where, usually, meat is the centerpiece -- like faux chicken salad, barbecue beef and such -- and the TVP needed to be able to hold its shape.  I got 2 different kinds (4 bags total) of beef-like chunks and 2 bags of chicken-like chunks. 

Let me talk to you about the chicken TVP chunks.

For lunch today I re-hydrated a 1 ounce serving (2/3 cup) of the chicken chunks.  The amount doubles after you re-hydrate it so you get a lot of food for 100 calories, 2 Weight Watchers Points+, and no fat.  TVP is flavorless and takes on the flavors that you cook and season it with so it is extremely versatile when you want to be creative with recipes.  I seasoned it with ground red pepper, paprika, onion powder, garlic powder, cumin, and some Mrs. Dash Southwestern Chipotle flavor salt-free blend.  Then I mixed in 1/4 cup of diced fire-roasted tomatoes and microwaved it in a glass container for 3 minutes.  Then I warmed up a high-fiber, low-carb, whole-wheat tortilla.  Then I mixed 1/2 cup of non-fat plain yogurt with 2 tbs. of salsa and spread half of that mixture on the tortilla.  Then I dumped 2 cups of spring mix salad greens into a bowl.  Then I dumped in the seasoned TVP mixture.  Then I put in 1/4 cup of Daiya cheddar style vegan cheese, the BEST vegan cheese out there because it melts!  Then I halved 4 grape tomatoes and put those on top.  Then I gave it a good shake and stir.  Then I put 1/3 of the whole mess on the tortilla, rolled it up burrito style, and started cramming it down my pie hole.

It was epic, I tell you.  EPIC!

The leftover "salad" that was still in the bowl went into the fridge along with the rest of the dressing that I'd made from yogurt and salsa.  If I had eaten all of it, it would have come to only 9 Points+, which is great because it was a LOT of food with plenty of filling bulk.  I could easily make 3 or 4 more burritos with it.  It was the right mix of protein and fiber to satiate my hunger and to keep me satisfied.  The protein came from the TVP, the yogurt and the tortilla.  The fiber came from the veggies, the TVP, and the tortilla.  It wasn't totally vegan because of the yogurt, but at 8 grams of fat and a trace amount of cholesterol for the whole recipe, which I didn't eat all of, it was a total win.

And, if you don't have any soy issues and only a little bit of money, you should totally consider using TVP in your recipes.

Eating fresh

Today was grocery shopping day, one of my most favorite times of the week. I love strolling the aisles, taking the time to read labels and decide what product is the best choice for my diet. I am definitely a new product junkie and willing to try anything new. But mostly, I have been trying to eat as fresh as possible.

When I first started this journey, I let Lean Cuisine and my microwave cook for me. I didn't even eat any fresh fruit or vegetables, just Lean Cuisines and Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen meals and entrees for lunch and dinner coupled with cereal and milk for breakfast. Sometimes I'd have canned light soup (the Weight Watchers endorsed Progresso). Once I figured out that I could use a couple small appliances and buy fresh ingredients to make tastier meals than frozen and canned ones, I was on a roll! I bought this new Crock Pot and this George Foreman grill. (The crock pot was very inexpensive but I paid a little more for George because it has removeable grill plates to make cleanup easier.) I live alone so I have no one to worry about when it comes to preparing meals that everyone will like. In the process I have been saving a ton of money along with time.

My Crock Pot is a lifesaver! I can put protein, seasonings, and root vegetables in it, go to work, and come home to a great meal. If I forget to thaw my protein, it's no problem; George can handle boneless/skinless chicken and fish whether it's frozen or not. And it always turns out delicious! Sometimes I just buy big bags of frozen boneless/skinless chicken thighs and take out one, as I need it, for a fast meal from the grill. Spices and Mrs. Dash are important and I've stocked my cabinet with many varieties to give my protein different flavors and kick.

Lately, tilapia and boneless/skinless chicken has been the only meat I've eaten. I decided to stop eating red meat and for recipes that call for it, I've been using TVP chunks or flakes, or even using imitation vegan meat analogs. I make a very filling taco soup in the Crock Pot using TVP and it always tastes so awesome. It's even better the next day because the flavor explodes and it's all I can do to keep from imersing my whole head in the bowl. Yet it's completely vegan and I don't miss the meat at all.

Now, I don't profess to be a vegan, but I do have familial cholesterol concerns so eating vegan sometimes really helps with reducing my cholesterol intake. I otherwise eat a low fat, reduced salt, reduced calorie diet. I do eat carbs by way of whole grains -- I really love Nature's Own Double Fiber Whole Wheat Bread. It has only 50 calories per slice and it's loaded with 5 grams of fiber. I also love Triscuit crackers -- the Rosemary Olive flavor is awesome.

For snacks I love to eat two Cuties, the little clementine mandarines, with a string cheese stick. Or, I'll have an apple with 1 tbs of Peanut Butter. If I want chips, I'll choose Baked Tostitos or a half-serving of regular fat, unsalted chips and dip them in homemade salsa mixed with a little non fat sour cream. These are low Points+ values snacks that work on the Weight Watchers program.  Actually, anything "works" on Weight Watchers, and that is exactly why I love it.  I can budget my points for big meals or not use them at all.  I haven't felt deprived since I started the program and I am kicking myself for not having started sooner.

Dinner is usually my grilled protein with a HUGE green salad. Fried, breaded foods with heavy sauces are out!  I love to experiment with different field greens, baby spinach, and spring mix. I usually top the salad with grape tomatoes, cucumbers, broccoli, and a little shredded carrot, though I keep forgetting to add fruit, which is silly because I absolutely LOVE fruit in my salads. I spray it Wish Bone Salad Spritzers (ranch vinaigratte is my favorite).

So going from a cheeseburger-pizza-greasy chinese food person to what I eat now is a huge change. I plan to eat like this for the rest of my life.

What about you, what are some of your favorite healthy meals?

Valentine's Day: How will I love myself?

Today is February 14th -- Valentine's Day -- or ten days until my 37th birthday. 
Two and a half months ago, on December 2nd, I decided to make a change in my life.  I was at the heaviest weight I have ever been -- I was having difficulty breathing; I was having difficulty moving; I was white-knuckling my way through excruciating back pain all day, every day; I was always too tired to do this, too tired to do that.  I would come home from work and school and just collapse.  Literally.  I was depressed because my weight was making me miserable, and I would (try) to alleviate the depression by eating. I was in a rut, a vicious and endless emotional binge eating cycle that I knew I could not continue anymore.

By Christmas eve, I had lost 12 pounds and though I was feeling a teeny-tiny bit less miserable, I was still feeling physically bad.  The holidays came and went and I swore to myself that it would be the last holiday season where I'd be too tired to do the fun family things that kept me from enjoying myself and my loved ones during that time of the year.  After Christmas day my mom, sister, two nieces and I planned what was supposed to be a girls' day of shopping.  But I sat in the truck and napped because 1.) nothing in the store would fit me 2.) I was in pain, winded, and just miserable.

This was embarrassing to say the least.
Then, my landlady told me that I eat too much.  I had told her via email that my rent might be late (I'm a student and I only work part time) and she said, more or less, that if I stopped eating so much I could probably afford the rent. 

I was mortified.

But something clicked after she said that and I decided to join Weight Watchers to really knuckle down on my eating. I've made excellent choices about my health since then. I knew that I was morbidly obese, but I had never ever had someone tell me out right.  Not even my physicians.  Maybe my landlady saying so was the push I needed?

So here I am, about 11 weeks later and 50 lbs lighter.   I feel better -- minimal back pain -- but I'm still not out of the woods.  I have a massive, incredible amount of weight to lose.  I am terribly ashamed of how big I have gotten and not very ready to post numbers, but I am absolutely proud of how far I have come.  I know that I'll eventually have to post numbers in order to be completely honest about myself in this space.  But even if I never did, people with 3rd grade math skills would be able to figure it out anyway.   But 50 lbs down -- that's what keeps me motivated; looking back and seeing that I have lost the equivalent of my 7 year old nephew. 

So what's the real purpose of this blog?  It's probably just going to be a space where I write out my successes and boo-boos, my eating patterns, favorite products (with reviews), favorite workouts and exercise routines.  It will be one of the many tools I'll utilize to re-learn how to love me because for too long I have not been very kind to myself.  It'll be a space for accountability, taking responsibility for my health and taking action to improve it.

I have a little over 3 years before my 40th birthday and I have made a vow to be healthy by then. I spent my childhood, my teens, my 20s, and most of my 30s in a body that is not representative of who I am.  This body is not me; it is not the body of someone who loves themself. I have not treated my body kindly, I have not nourished it or taken care of it.  But that has come to an end.  My 40th birthday (should) coincide with my graduation from college and first year of grad school.  It's going to be a great time in my life and I want to be in the best physical condition that I can be to celebrate it the way it should be.

I invite you to follow my journey.

So, this Valentine's Day has been an inventory of how I will take steps to continue treating my body well.  It's how I'll love myself