Valentine's Day: How will I love myself?

Today is February 14th -- Valentine's Day -- or ten days until my 37th birthday. 
Two and a half months ago, on December 2nd, I decided to make a change in my life.  I was at the heaviest weight I have ever been -- I was having difficulty breathing; I was having difficulty moving; I was white-knuckling my way through excruciating back pain all day, every day; I was always too tired to do this, too tired to do that.  I would come home from work and school and just collapse.  Literally.  I was depressed because my weight was making me miserable, and I would (try) to alleviate the depression by eating. I was in a rut, a vicious and endless emotional binge eating cycle that I knew I could not continue anymore.

By Christmas eve, I had lost 12 pounds and though I was feeling a teeny-tiny bit less miserable, I was still feeling physically bad.  The holidays came and went and I swore to myself that it would be the last holiday season where I'd be too tired to do the fun family things that kept me from enjoying myself and my loved ones during that time of the year.  After Christmas day my mom, sister, two nieces and I planned what was supposed to be a girls' day of shopping.  But I sat in the truck and napped because 1.) nothing in the store would fit me 2.) I was in pain, winded, and just miserable.

This was embarrassing to say the least.
Then, my landlady told me that I eat too much.  I had told her via email that my rent might be late (I'm a student and I only work part time) and she said, more or less, that if I stopped eating so much I could probably afford the rent. 

I was mortified.

But something clicked after she said that and I decided to join Weight Watchers to really knuckle down on my eating. I've made excellent choices about my health since then. I knew that I was morbidly obese, but I had never ever had someone tell me out right.  Not even my physicians.  Maybe my landlady saying so was the push I needed?

So here I am, about 11 weeks later and 50 lbs lighter.   I feel better -- minimal back pain -- but I'm still not out of the woods.  I have a massive, incredible amount of weight to lose.  I am terribly ashamed of how big I have gotten and not very ready to post numbers, but I am absolutely proud of how far I have come.  I know that I'll eventually have to post numbers in order to be completely honest about myself in this space.  But even if I never did, people with 3rd grade math skills would be able to figure it out anyway.   But 50 lbs down -- that's what keeps me motivated; looking back and seeing that I have lost the equivalent of my 7 year old nephew. 

So what's the real purpose of this blog?  It's probably just going to be a space where I write out my successes and boo-boos, my eating patterns, favorite products (with reviews), favorite workouts and exercise routines.  It will be one of the many tools I'll utilize to re-learn how to love me because for too long I have not been very kind to myself.  It'll be a space for accountability, taking responsibility for my health and taking action to improve it.

I have a little over 3 years before my 40th birthday and I have made a vow to be healthy by then. I spent my childhood, my teens, my 20s, and most of my 30s in a body that is not representative of who I am.  This body is not me; it is not the body of someone who loves themself. I have not treated my body kindly, I have not nourished it or taken care of it.  But that has come to an end.  My 40th birthday (should) coincide with my graduation from college and first year of grad school.  It's going to be a great time in my life and I want to be in the best physical condition that I can be to celebrate it the way it should be.

I invite you to follow my journey.

So, this Valentine's Day has been an inventory of how I will take steps to continue treating my body well.  It's how I'll love myself