Step Work Wednesday: Guilt, shame, and feelings

Step seven of the 16 Steps to Discovery and Empowerment:

7) We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourselves and others.

When I look over my emotional history of EDs and dieting what stands out the most is shame.  I was ashamed of my size, I was ashamed for falling off of diets, I was ashamed having to use food to cope with my emotions.  But what I did not realize is that I was ashamed of the abuse I had been subjected to.  I thought that all my problems would go away if I could only stop eating so much.  I had no idea that the surface shame was only the tip of the iceberg and that it was connected to being abused.  I simply ignored that I was abused.

And that was the problem.

I am a collector of self-help workbooks and I really love The Food And Feelings Workbook by Karen R.  Koenig.  I have been working on it, along with the 16 steps, and I am learning so much about myself.  The issue with abusing food (or any substance) is almost always a coping mechanism for some type of emotional trauma the abuser has experienced.  For me, I could eat myself numb and I would not have to think about what happened to me.  I would just black out.  Of course I did not know this as I was eating --  and that was frustrating because I just figured I had no willpower or that I was weak --  but now that I know that I was eating so I wouldn't feel my own feelings, I can use that knowledge to persevere. 

I (now) know that feelings can not hurt me.  I've been through all the hurt already and I can not be hurt by my abusers anymore.  So it is up to me now to re-learn how to allow emotion to happen and not be afraid of it.  From the workbook:

"The function of emotions is to tell us about the internal world, just as senses provide guidance in the external world.  Think about how grateful we are for our senses, how much we value the ability to see, hear, taste, touch, and smell.  We don't get angry at our senses or try to ignore them.  Instead, we accept them because we've figured out their purpose: to help us negotiate the external world.  When it comes to feelings, though, we're ready to close up shop and go fishing.  Emotions scare, puzzle, and confuse us. They drive us to eat, shop, drink, starve, gamble, work, exercise, talk nonstop, live dangerously, and take drugs in order to not feel them.  Imagine doing that to avoid your senses!  To sum up, you cannot live a happy, meaningful, satisfying, life without experiencing the full range of feelings -- good, bad, or indifferent.  If you shut them off, you're asking for trouble, because they're the built-in radar system you need to interact effectively with the world.  If you want to lead a rich and fulfilling life, accept that your emotions have a vital purpose ..."

That is a powerful paragraph and for someone who has been steeped in any type of self-destructive and addictive behavior it is so enlightening.   It may sound circular, but in order for me to let go of the guilt and shame of being abused, I have to allow myself to feel that guilt and shame of being abused.  I can not eat the shame and guilt.  I can not exercise off the shame and guilt.  I can not work off the shame and guilt in the form of a 4.0 GPA.  I can not do anything but feel it and let it fall away, so that it will no longer be in the way of loving myself.