Step Work Wednesday: I Am Enough!

I have not written in a couple of weeks but there really hasn't been much to say beyond what've I've always been doing.  I'll try to blog more often now that there are some projects in the works for me to tackle over the summer.

But I wanted to write today because something happened that could have knocked me off track. And since it happened on a Wednesday, I thought I should apply the steps to this event.

I found out today that someone from my past that I truly, really loved has moved on.  Now, of course if they are from my past then they pretty obviously had done so (as had I).  And, granted, I was the one who ended all contact, but when you hear that someone is having a happy life without you when you otherwise had hoped that their happy life had been with you, it kind of does something to you.  Well, for me it did.  I really did want to be this person's friend, and I tried to be for a year after breaking up, but it was best for my cerebral health that we not be.  Our definitions of what a friend is differed.  We differed in too many ways that prevented a peaceful relationship of any kind, let alone a romantic one.  I'm pretty sure they'll make a great partner for someone because this person is an incredible human being -- but that someone is not me.  I choose not to be a parent but they wanted kids ... we would have never gotten along.

Anyway, after hearing that this person from my past had "officially" moved it on brought some old negative feelings of self doubt out of the closet.  You know the ones - "What was it that I did wrong?"  and "Why couldn't it have worked for us?"  and the worst one, "Why wasn't I good enough? I should have just shut up and had a kid."


And once your mind starts messing with you like that, making think about going against your own standards, you start to fall into that pathetic self-pitying woe-is-me cycle.  I stuck my toes into that cycle today.  I did.  But instead of cramming food down my throat as I would have in the past, I put on my shoes and I went for a walk.  For the first thirty minutes I could barely see because of my stupid tears.  But I had to keep going, keep walking, and in addition to my crying I was walking down the street, thinking about the lead picture that I downloaded earlier this week, almost yelling YOU ARE ENOUGH!  YOU ARE ENOUGH! 

I'm pretty sure I was a peculiar sight.

On my return trip I had calmed down some but I was still upset.  Then I crossed to the west side of the street because it was tree-lined and the sun was burning the sweat and tears on my face.  That's when I came upon this ...

... and then I just started to feel better.  I stopped walking and just stared at that personalized plate for a good three minutes.  It made me snap out of my self-pity.  I wanted to run up to the house it was in front of, knock on the door, and thank that person.

Be Who You Are Because You Are Enough:
3)  We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.

15) We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for our growth.

16) We grow in awareness that we are sacred beings, interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet.

The choice that I made, to not be a parent, was decided upon long before I met this person and it is the right choice.  It is the choice that will be fine for the one who is right for me.  It is my "authentic self" and it is my truth.  I almost started to beat myself up for feeling sad about what is no more because SuperWomen are unbreakable, right?  No!  Fear of tears and refusing to feel does not mean you're unbreakable.  I accept that being sad is okay, it's part of "life as natural events that can be used as lessons for growth." I understand that at 37 years old I have not yet met The One, it's possible that I never will.  And that is okay because I am enough.  I am enough because I am a loving and creative person who values true honesty, respect, and friendship.  I am enough because I am more than just my relationship status.  I am enough because I am everything to those who already love me.  I am enough because I love myself.  I am enough because the people that I love have not one iota of doubt that I do.  I am enough because I contribute my happy energy to the world.  I am enough.  


I am enough!


I leave you with a word from my cool friend Margot who was very timely at yelling this at me after learning that I fell off my new bicycle this morning, because it could be applied to everything that happened today: "Get back on that bike! Keep riding!"


Yes, ma'am.

Step Work Wednesday: Vanity

Today someone insinuated that I was vain because I addressed a passive-aggressive status that they posted on Facebook immediately after I commented on something really shitty that they wrote on one of my posts.

Keeping up?  Good.

So, anyway ... what is vanity?  What does it mean to be vain?

Well, let's take a look:

van·i·ty

[van-i-tee] Show IPA noun, plural -ties, adjective

noun

1. excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.; character or quality of being vain;  conceit: Failure to be elected was a great blow to his vanity.

2. an instance or display of this quality or feeling.

3. something about which one is vain.

4. lack of real value; hollowness; worthlessness: the vanity of a selfish life.

5. something worthless, trivial, or pointless.

Admittedly, being called vain threw me for a loop because I have worried about coming off as too self-absorbed with my posts on Facebook.  I talk about my quest to become healthy a LOT, and I have repeatedly told people to feel free to hide my posts when they feel like they've had too much.  Yes, my posts are all about me. However, this situation was different in that the person was clearly being p-a in response to something I said and then implied that I was imagining things.  I wasn't.  I'm confident in that (because that person is still posting p-a crap last I saw, but I've since hidden their posts).  But still .. vain?

Okay, so since today is Step Work Wednesday, let's see how I can apply this incident to keeping a healthy mind (and body) in relation to the 16 Steps.
Take the generic but popular phrase and song lyric, "You're so vain, I bet you think this song (post) is about you."

There are two steps that affirm the emotion I feel is valid. I'm underlining the parts that stand out the most:


6) We affirm and enjoy our intelligence, strengths and creativity, remembering not to hide these qualities from ourselves and others.
If I am busy being worried about what people think of my pride in my accomplishments, and spend a good amount of time trying to suppress my successes, then how can I enjoy and celebrate them?  I can't.  I am damn proud that I'm not a dumbass, that I can decipher BS when I see it, and that I've lost (to date) 64 pounds.  I've learned along this journey that I am an amazing cook, dreaming up delicious and creative recipes that help me lose excess weight.  I've also been gifted with enough intelligence to know that there are people who are just not happy, no matter how much they try to convince themselves that they are, and will do what they can to bring their darkness to others.  This is definitely not something to keep under wraps, to do so is to snuff out my light.

10) We learn to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know and we feel what we feel.
I know what I see, I am not blind.  Everyone shows you who they are, but it's our job to believe them when they do.  Passive aggressive behavior is anti-social behavior, and to pretend that you are not being anti-social when you absolutely are, borderlines on sociopathic behavior.  I trust the truth, and I know how the truth makes me feel.  Prepending things you say with "no offense but ...," or ending them with "just saying" are key identifiers of anti-social comments.  If you have to tell someone to not be offended then -- surprise! -- you're being offensive.  And to be offended by something "on the internet" doesn't make me or anyone else weaker than the person who made the offensive comment.

So maybe I should not have initially addressed the person who was being p-a (I eventually decided to ignore them), but I definitely thought this was a learning experience.  In the future, I'll know to gloss over the comments of anti-social, passive-aggressive people and just roll with it.

Step Work Wednesday: Guilt, shame, and feelings

Step seven of the 16 Steps to Discovery and Empowerment:

7) We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourselves and others.

When I look over my emotional history of EDs and dieting what stands out the most is shame.  I was ashamed of my size, I was ashamed for falling off of diets, I was ashamed having to use food to cope with my emotions.  But what I did not realize is that I was ashamed of the abuse I had been subjected to.  I thought that all my problems would go away if I could only stop eating so much.  I had no idea that the surface shame was only the tip of the iceberg and that it was connected to being abused.  I simply ignored that I was abused.

And that was the problem.

I am a collector of self-help workbooks and I really love The Food And Feelings Workbook by Karen R.  Koenig.  I have been working on it, along with the 16 steps, and I am learning so much about myself.  The issue with abusing food (or any substance) is almost always a coping mechanism for some type of emotional trauma the abuser has experienced.  For me, I could eat myself numb and I would not have to think about what happened to me.  I would just black out.  Of course I did not know this as I was eating --  and that was frustrating because I just figured I had no willpower or that I was weak --  but now that I know that I was eating so I wouldn't feel my own feelings, I can use that knowledge to persevere. 

I (now) know that feelings can not hurt me.  I've been through all the hurt already and I can not be hurt by my abusers anymore.  So it is up to me now to re-learn how to allow emotion to happen and not be afraid of it.  From the workbook:

"The function of emotions is to tell us about the internal world, just as senses provide guidance in the external world.  Think about how grateful we are for our senses, how much we value the ability to see, hear, taste, touch, and smell.  We don't get angry at our senses or try to ignore them.  Instead, we accept them because we've figured out their purpose: to help us negotiate the external world.  When it comes to feelings, though, we're ready to close up shop and go fishing.  Emotions scare, puzzle, and confuse us. They drive us to eat, shop, drink, starve, gamble, work, exercise, talk nonstop, live dangerously, and take drugs in order to not feel them.  Imagine doing that to avoid your senses!  To sum up, you cannot live a happy, meaningful, satisfying, life without experiencing the full range of feelings -- good, bad, or indifferent.  If you shut them off, you're asking for trouble, because they're the built-in radar system you need to interact effectively with the world.  If you want to lead a rich and fulfilling life, accept that your emotions have a vital purpose ..."

That is a powerful paragraph and for someone who has been steeped in any type of self-destructive and addictive behavior it is so enlightening.   It may sound circular, but in order for me to let go of the guilt and shame of being abused, I have to allow myself to feel that guilt and shame of being abused.  I can not eat the shame and guilt.  I can not exercise off the shame and guilt.  I can not work off the shame and guilt in the form of a 4.0 GPA.  I can not do anything but feel it and let it fall away, so that it will no longer be in the way of loving myself.

I have a confession

So ... I kinda cheated today and weighed myself.  Okay, fine!  There's no kinda about it at all -- I did cheat and weigh myself when I had previously decided that I would not weigh again for a whole month.

But I can explain!

You see, in the past I have used Intuitive Eating principles to help me control the effects of my ED. Eating intuitively is about checking in with your body and listening to hunger cues, giving your body the respect it deserves, and being ok with food -- all food.  From the website:

Intuitive eating is an approach that teaches you how to create a healthy relationship with your food, mind, and body--where you ultimately become the expert of your own body.   You learn how to distinguish between physical and emotional feelings, and gain a sense of body wisdom.   It's also a process of making peace with food---so that you no longer have constant "food worry" thoughts.  It's knowing that your health and your worth as a person do not change, because you ate a food that you had labeled as "bad" or "fattening”.  

This is a popular therapeutic method to help people with EDs overcome their disorder.  And while it doesn't focus on weight loss per se, the fact of the matter is that once you make peace with food and yourself, your body will settle into the weight that it is supposed to be.  I have had success with eating intuitively in the past and what has sent me back into disordered eating patterns is becoming too focused on weight loss and being a certain size.

I had been using Weight Watchers Points Plus system since January and it has worked well-- I can't deny this fact.  But I think part of the reason for that is because WW does not deem any food bad.  You can have what you want, just in moderation.  So while it seems like less of a diet to me, the structure is something I did need to get myself in gear.   When I said in the previous post that I wanted to stop weighing in every week, what I didn't say is that I was going to switch from the Points Plus plan to Weight Watchers' Simply Filling plan.  The Simply Filling plan is different in that you do not track daily Points Plus values, but eat freely from the Power Foods list (.pdf warning) plus a few more items, but only enough so that you feel satisfied, hence the name Simply Filling.  If you want to indulge and eat something that is not on the Power Foods list, then you subtract the Points Plus value of that food from your weekly allotment of 49 Points Plus and any activity points that you have earned through exercise.

I did.  I combined what I knew about Intuitive Eating with what I am learning from Weight Watchers' Simply Filling plan. And you know what?  I lost weight.  I weighed this morning and I am down an additional 8.2 lbs. since I said I was going to stop weighing (Feb 21st)  bringing my total to 58.2!

So yes, no matter how you work it ... Weight Watchers works!  I think I am going to stick with the Simply Filling plan because there is no demand to meet your set weight and age-based Points Plus values (which WW encourages you to meet if you're tracking Points Plus) and it allows me to let my body be in the driver seat.

To be able to eat only when I am hungry is so very empowering for me.  To entrust my body to take care of me and to let it get to the weight that it wants to be is the highest form of self love.

The Personhood of Dazzling Pants

I have a pair of pants that I bought out of frustration last fall because I was unable to fit anything in my closet that wasn't sweat pants.  That was not the end of it though, by Thanksgiving those pants were screaming at the seams because I had gained even more weight!  The pants are black, elastic waist, and nondescript other than being absolutely ginormous.  Once they started to loosen up, I gave them the name Big Mama Bend Over.

Those pants are too big now and I have bought an identical pair two sizes smaller, which fit perfectly, but probably not for long and I hope they will be too big in some weeks.  The style is my go-to style for work pants (we can't wear jeans).  Sometimes I put on Big Mama Bend Over to give myself perspective but also for another reason:

Once long, long ago I saw a lady on TV who was celebrating her weight loss on some guru's infomercial.  She was on a stage and there was nothing peculiar about her at first glance.  But then she unzipped her fly and took off her jeans to reveal another pair underneath.  Then, she did it again to reveal another pair.  Then again, then again .....

In total, the lady had on eight pairs of jeans with the largest ones that we first saw her in being on top.  That is what I want to do with Big Mama Bend Over!  I also want to be one of those people who stands in one leg of their old pants and holds the other half out next to them.  I am going to make it happen.  I can do anything!

Big Mama is a reminder, and she is motivation to keep living a healthy life.

Step Work Wednesday: Keeping My Power

I have decided that on Wednesdays I will post one of the steps and apply it to recent or current situations.

Step One of Charlotte Kasl's 16 Steps to Discovery And Empowerment:

1) We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

It has already been established here at Healthy Before 40 that my history with food is troubled.  When trying to overcome the emotional pain in their lives, some people use drugs, some people drink, some even have promiscuous sex.  For me, it has been food.  I have abused food to "check out" and not have to think about what has happened to me.
We all know that everyone needs food to stay alive, so how do I keep from going too far?  I am not going to lie; as much as I love food, I am also terrified sometimes of what it could do to me if I lose control over it.  I love cooking, looking at recipes, looking at photos, meandering grocery store aisles -- all of it.  But when it is time for me to sit down and actually eat, I have to stop everything I am doing and check in with myself to make sure I don't overdo it.  I have to sit and wait for my brain to say, "You've had enough. Stop!" and this takes about 20 minutes.  This is eating intuitively.

While I do count points and measure and weigh all my food per suggestion of Weight Watchers, I also incorporate some intuitive practices that allow me to let my body remain in control.  Weight Watchers can make suggestions, but your body knows what you need, how much of it, and when you've had enough.  Granted, I don't always get it "right," but for the most part I am right on track.  This keeps me in control over food, allows me to take charge of my life and release myself of dependency.

In short, I know that I have more power than a cookie, it's just something I have to remind myself of to remain successful.

Temptation

When you are faced with something that you know could very well throw you off track, something that you know has been your downfall in the past, what do you do?

Today was "Chip & Dip" day in my department at work.  I didn't know about this, as it was something that was organized in my absence.  So when I arrived at work this afternoon, I was faced with this:

Let's get a closer look.

For me, potato chips, tortilla chips, guacamole, cheese dip, and other creamy dips have been some of the foods that have wrecked my diets of past.  I don't keep this stuff in the house now because I know, I know, that I won't be able to control myself if it's just me, a bag, and a dip

You can't see them in the pictures, but I counted six bags of tortilla chips at work today.  Six. Bags. Big ones.  For my own lunch I had brought a bowl of my favorite taco soup that I made last night.  While I know that I can't keep things like this in the house, I know that on Weight Watchers, I can incorporate small servings into my daily Points+ total (or use some of my 49 weekly Points+ values on an indulgence).  Part of my Weight Watchers success has been limiting my use of my weekly Points+ values. Very rarely have I dipped into that cushion.

Today I decided that I'd figure one serving of tortilla chips into my daily Points+ tally so that I could have them with my soup.  One serving of tortilla chips (about seven whole chips) has 4 Points+.  This means that in order to eat those chips, I have to either shave off 4 Points+ by way of axing something else I had planned to eat, or earn enough exercise Points+ so that I can eat the chips without dipping into my weekly Points+ values.  I decided that I would eat more zero Points+ value veggies at dinner so that I could have the chips.

This is why I love Weight Watchers -- the system guides you to watch what you eat, to be conscious of everything you put in your mouth, while doing away with the notion that certain foods are bad.  This is the structure that I need after years of fad dieting and living with EDs.   I didn't have any of the dips today, but I don't feel deprived at all because I was able to eat something I love while staying on track with my weight loss plan.

What do you do when you're tempted?  Do you have a backup plan?