Taking a leap

Happy Leap Year Day!

In my last post, I stated that I believe 99% of a person's effort to get fit starts in the mind.  It's not something I said because I think it sounds good, it is something I truly believe.  We want our bodies to be fit and we're willing to do the work, but are our minds prepared to do so? 

Can we press "stop" on all the negative tapes in our head that have been on auto-play? You know the ones -- they tell you things like You're not allowed to do ______, and If you don't _______, then you'll never ______, or You're not going to be able to do _________ because back when _________ you ________.  It's the C R A P that you have been listening to and believing that sabotages your true potential.


I contemplated whether or not I wanted to address this on my blog and I have decided that not doing so is not being true to myself.  I realize that I am opening myself up to scrutiny but there is part of me that truly believes exposing the things that have kept me in darkness, so to speak, will not only help me, but will also help bring others to light. 






[TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEX ABUSE, PHYSICAL ABUSE, EMOTIONAL ABUSE.  SCROLL DOWN TO SKIP THE RED, TRIGGERING TEXT.]

On this extra day of the year, Feb 29th, I'm going to take a leap and reveal some of my history.

For me, getting physically fit is a bit more than just choosing the right foods and getting in good workouts.  I work every day, every hour, to get emotionally fit.    Why?

When I was five years old, I was molested and raped by a teen boy in my mother's care and it continued until I was seven.  When I was ten, I was molested again on several occasions by someone in my family.  When that family member could no longer sexually abuse me (because I made it so that they couldn't), they turned to physically abusing me -- hitting me, beating up on me and destroying my property.  When they couldn't physically abuse me anymore, they kept emotionally abusing me.  That emotional abuse continued until I was 34 years old. 

By the time I was nine, I had a full-blown eating disorder.  I have binged, I have starved, I have purged through vomiting. I have abused laxatives, I have cut myself, I have punched myself in the stomach, I have punched myself in the jaw, I have wrapped rubber bands around my wrists to cut off circulation and to snap myself with them, I have bitten my tongue -- literally -- to punish myself.   I have been really abusive to myself because that is how I was always treated and it's what I believed was how I was supposed to be treated.

When I finally put an end to the abuse that the family member was subjecting me to by removing them from my life, I gained 100 pounds.  I was already a large person before this rapid weight gain, so I looked and felt terrible -- emotionally and physically.

I was tearing my way through food so I wouldn't have to think about the emptiness I felt because no one was around to treat me like shit.  Except, I was treating me like shit because deep down I still believed that I deserved it.  Of course I don't.  No one does.  

 [END OF TRIGGERING TEXT]

 No one deserves to be treated the way I have treated myself.  I took the first step by removing a toxic individual from my life, and what I am doing now -- this blog, and this desire to be healthy -- is the next step. 

Taking the steps to heal and recover.

I have tried doing step work before -- the 12 Steps of AA, adapted for people with addictions to food (Food Addicts Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Eating Disorders Anonymous).

I could never get past step one, We admitted that we are powerless over ... because thinking of myself as powerless only deals with the surface when it's deeper than that.  I was powerless to the people who hurt me, it's time for me to acknowledge my power and recognize my ability to overcome my past on my own. And though I was raised in a semi-christian home, I am an atheist.  The 12 Steps are based on religious beliefs.

The 16 Steps To Discovery And Empowerment, implemented by Dr. Charlotte Kasl, is a better model for me.  From Kasl's website: 

"The 16-step empowerment model is a wholistic approach to overcoming addiction that views people in their wholeness-- mind, body and spirit. A fundamental basis of this model is flexibility and an openness which leads to continually ask: What works? Who does it work for? and How can we help it work better? It encourages people to be continually open to new information and not to become trapped in dogmatic teachings. At its core, this model is based on love not fear; internal control not external authoritarianism; affirmation not deflation; and trust in the ability of people to find their own healing path when given education, support, hope and choices."




Let's look at the first step of each model -- 12 Steps vs. 16 Steps -- in comparison to each other.

12 Steps
1) We admitted that we were powerless over [our addiction], that our lives had become unmanageable.

16 Steps
1) We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

Do you see the difference?  The first of the 16 Steps names the sickness of addiction while acknowledging that each person has the power to change it for themselves.  The first of the 16 Steps holds the person more accountable, thereby empowering them more so than the first of the 12 Steps would.  Reading the full 16 Steps, you will see that they take into account the fact that minorities and women have been powerless for centuries among white males, and that in order to recover uncover and dis-cover our potential, we have to recognize that the keys to do so are within us and not a "higher power," or "sponsor".  In short, the 12 Steps are paternalistically suited to white men in power, where the 16 steps are more geared toward those who have been oppressed.  The 16 Steps are also ideal for those who do not profess any belief in a god, whereas the 12 Steps demand that you acknowledge there is a god "as you understand HIM".  When I come across the word "god" in the 16 steps, I replace it with "love".  The 16 Steps are flexible in that way.  Click the 16 Steps tab at the top of this blog to see the full list.

So I have decided that on Wednesdays I will be using the 16 Steps to reflect over the previous week and to gear up for the coming week. Step Work Wednesday is when I will choose one of the steps to go over and see how my actions have played out in relation to it.  Or, I will think about my behavior and how it can be improved using the 16 Steps to guide me.

I feel myself evolving.

Me and my girl

I'd like to think that 99% of the effort to get fit starts in the mind.  If you're not ready, then you're just not ready.  Period.

Another 0.5% is conquering fears, and the rest is just doing it.  One of my greatest fears has been rooted in Fat Person On A Bike syndrome.  While I am not terribly ashamed of my body per se, there has been a part of me that just does not want people to see me riding a bike in public despite the fact that riding a bike in public has been something that I have always wanted to do.  Running will come later, but the low-impact nature of riding a bicycle is perfect for me.  Why not start now?

So, today I bought a bike.

Meet Bertha.  Bertha La Bloux is the full name that I have given her and she's my birthday present to myself.

Isn't she precious?  I had a choice between black, silver, yellow, and orange, but blue won out.  This is a Worksman Women's Deluxe base model (1-speed).  The one that I ordered through a local bike shop looks just like it, only it is a 3-speed.  Bertha has gears on the handle bars that will help me tackle hills.  I can not tell you how excited I am and I'm counting down the days until she is here.  Next up is shopping for a helmet, a chain/lock, headlight (I'll be riding to/from work after dark), and a basket!

I have saved up for this moment, financially and emotionally, and now it's time to let myself be free to enjoy something regardless of what people may think.  Go ahead and get your point-and-laugh on if you must, I do not care.  I'll be too busy getting my ride on.

Lunch With AJ: Mexitalian soup

Trying to use up older food in my cabinets and fridge, I threw together this soup for quick, at-work meals and it is delicious.  There's a hodgepodge of ingredients: frozen corn, some leftover black beans, fire roasted tomatoes with green chilis, Italian-style stewed tomatoes, onion, garlic, peppers, chicken-style TVP, and veggie pepperoni slices by Yves, which you can probably tell by looking at the soup, that I like a lot.  I mean, I didn't even bother with cutting the slices in half.  LOL! ;-)
It is seasoned with Mexican style spices (cumin, paprika, red pepper) as well as Italian style spices (oregano, basil, garlic), so I call it Mexitalian.  Clever, huh?

I used 3 cups of vegetable broth and then just threw everything into the Crock Pot to heat it through.  My soups always taste better the next day, so I put aside this one-cup portion for lunch the following day and then put the rest in individual storage bowls to freeze so I can just grab one for future lunches.  Sorry for the crappy picture, but I have a brand new camera coming soon! Woo hoo!

The Weight Watcher's recipe builder says a one-cup serving has 3 Points+

Why I eat carbs

Pasta, bread, cereal, starchy vegetables, sweet fruit;  I eat it all! I am not afraid of carbohydrates, but I do limit my portion sizes when I do have them, as you should with everything you eat.  I use measuring cups to mete out my portions for 100% whole grains.

Serving size for whole wheat bread: 1 slice, or one small roll. 
Serving size for whole wheat pasta: 1/2 cup, cooked. 
Serving size for cold whole grain cereal: 3/4-1 cup, depending on the style (flakes, O's, etc.).
Serving size for hot whole grain cereal: 1/2 cup.
A potato's serving size is 1/2 of a large 4" potato or one small red, new potato.


Eating a sandwich every day does not "make you fat," but eating a entire loaf of bread every day might.  It's all about portion control and moderation.  You can reduce your fat intake and lose weight.  You can cut your carbs and lose weight.  But the reason why you're losing weight is because in reducing your fat or carbs, you're also reducing your calories.  The almighty calorie -- that's all that matters when you're trying to shed pounds.

Here's the math:

Say you want to lose one pound per week.  You'll need to shave off 500 calories per day from what you normally eat.  You can do that in a few ways: You can eat 250 calories less in food and exercise off another 250 calories.  You can cut 500 calories in just eating less food.  Or you can exercise off 500 calories through working out and keeping your diet the same.

After one week (7 days) you will have burnt 3500 calories.  There are 3500 calories in one pound of fat.  This will result in your one pound weight loss.

All that matters to me is the almighty calorie, but I don't actually count calories, I count Weight Watchers Points+ values that have already figured in the calorie amounts for me.  This way, I can moderately eat the carbs, I can eat the foods that are not low fat.  This is why I love Weight Watchers: there are no "bad" foods!  If I want cake at a birthday party or pizza on family night, I can have it but I have to make sure I have enough Points+ values to spend on the cake or pizza by budgeting my allotted Points+ values.

For the past couple of days I have been craving pasta alfredo, which is traditionally loaded with fat and carbs.  Moderation is about making choices, so I had to decide which calorie-maker, carbs or fat,  I wanted to reduce in order to cut my overall calories.  Carbs (pasta) had to be cut this time because I wanted the awesome flavor that comes with alfredo sauce containing fat.  So on my grocery trip today, I spent the time to look over the different pasta sauces and used my Points+ calculator app on my phone to figure out which one had the lowest per serving. (Creamy Alfredo Sauce by Private Selection [a Kroger store brand] won out with 80 calories and 7 g of fat per 1/4 cup serving, and a Points+ value of 2.)

This seems like a lot of fat for so little food, right?  (The absolute truth is that we really don't need as much food as we think we do.)  If you want to eat the things that you really need to be moderate about, you have to be creative and innovate.  I had the serving of pasta sauce and combined it with 1 cup of broccoli cuts (adds filling fiber for minimal calories and 0 Points+), one serving of my favorite chicken-style TVP (no fat, lots of fiber, 2 Points+), and one bag of Shirataki noodles, which are calorie-free, fat-free, carb-free, gluten-free, and all fiber.  I used these "miracle noodles," not because I fear carbs, but because I wanted to shave calories off the meal due to using the full-fat alfredo sauce.  You have to be smart about eating smart!  The recipe builder/calculator at Weight Watchers put this very filling meal right at 6 Points+, so I got all the flavor of chicken alfredo pasta from a satisfying portion with reduced calories, a moderate fat content, and a low Points+ value.

I eat complex carbs because our bodies need them to stay regular and healthy.  And frankly, though I probably can live without bread, I don't want to!  That's the plain truth.

Grocery Excursions: discovering red bananas

It's Wednesday - that means it's grocery shopping day for me.  I got all my food that I'd need for the week, but I discovered something interesting that I had not noticed, or even heard of before: red bananas!

At $2.99/lb I decided to skip them this time.  But I have since talked to my best friend -- who awesomely has decided to do WW with me! -- and she says they are called manzanos.  They are popular in Latin American countries (she's Puerto Rican). I googled them and apparently they have a sweeter taste and softer bite than yellow bananas with a hint of a raspberry-like flavor.

WHAT?!

I will definitely be picking up a couple on my next grocery trip!

Taking a break from the scale

I was watching The Biggest Loser tonight and I felt resonated by something.  A lot of the people on that show bust their tails all day long so that when weigh time comes, they can show a big loss.  They very often lose tremendous amounts of weight in just, what I am assuming, is a week's time.  A guy tonight lost 12 lbs since the last weigh in.  I don't think that is healthy at any size, even with strict supervision like they have. Granted, I lost 50 lbs in less than three months, myself.  But I do know that it is time to slow down my weight loss and proceed at a normal rate in order to ensure that I will keep it off once I get to my goal.

A few of the ladies on TBL tonight lost 1 or 2 pounds, a completely normal loss, yet they were absolutely mortified by it, and you could actually see the wind go out of their sails.  The trainer's faces showed disappointment.  Why?  Because they (and I, in the past) let a scale, a piece of plastic, tell them if they had been "good" or "bad".  Some of the ladies even gained weight, which is also normal when you hit a plateau or lose a lot of weight very quickly.  Your body needs a chance to catch its breath!

Which brings the conversation back to me.   For two months I weighed myself every day.  Every day. Then, I hit my first 50 lbs loss last week, but guess what?  I weighed myself today and I have gained one pound.  I didn't do anything that I had not done before, but I did have to remind myself that my body is settling.  I am not going to let a scale dictate my happiness.  I am uber proud of how far I have come, I know that I am eating right, I know my clothes are getting too big, and I know that I feel a whole lot better than I did on December 1st.

So, I have decided to put my scale away for a while.  I was weighing myself every morning and I have got to stop doing that and this little one-pound gain was my cue to do so. It's my body trying to get my attention and tell me to use my brain and stop letting the numbers on the scale "make" me.  I am going to just weigh myself every few weeks now because I felt myself falling into old habits.  You know the ones where you put time-limits on yourself like, "I'll lose X amount of pounds by ...."

You simply can not do that to yourself.  If you don't meet that goal by the time you want to, then you'll feel like you're not doing something right.  I think from now on, it'd be better to give myself goals that are healthy achievements, based on what my body can do now as opposed to what it couldn't do before I started losing, instead of shooting for a certain number.  Things like On Dec 2nd I couldn't ______, but now I can. 

In my heart, I am a runner.  My body wants to run but it simply can not right now.  So my goal is to start running.  This means that my walks will have to become jogs. From jogging will come running.  But .... I am giving myself the time to accomplish this with no deadline to have it done.  I may not be a runner by the end of 2012.  Heck, maybe not even by the end of 2013, and that is okay.

So my scale is going to go into the closet and come out only once a month, even though WW wants you to weigh in once a week.  Once month is fine, I think.  Since I already know my weight as of today, my next weigh-in will be around this time next month.

Now that my back is no longer killing me from carrying so much weight, I can focus on being healthy in other ways instead of "pounds lost".  

Step 3 of Charlotte Kasl's16 Steps To Empowerment says:  We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.

I'm going to have to just trust my body to handle everything because the truth is that I'm eating right, feeding it healthy food and clean water, and moving it five times a week.  The scale doesn't know the truth, my body knows.

That's self-love.

Down 50 pounds

Today I am officially at a 50 pound loss.   I am thrilled.  I wish I had started sooner!

Funny thing is, I always thought that I wouldn't be able to lose any of this weight.  Save for a few years of my very early childhood, I have always been "big," but things had spun out of control and it was no longer a matter of losing, it had become a matter of trying to keep from gaining.  In March of 2010 I got on hormones that were absolutely necessary (short of a hysterectomy) to help with horrific menstruals.  The fact that I don't want kids was a plus.  I loved it.

Then I started to gain weight really fast.  I packed on 100 lbs in about 17 months.  I completely blamed the IUD and failed to face the true reality -- my bad eating and lack of movement was a large contributor to what was making me sickly, tired, fat(ter), and depressed. I didn't want to get rid of the IUD, but I wanted to drop weight.

I didn't have the IUD removed but I decided to see if I could "beat" it.  I am an almost-straight A student after spending a decade as a college dropout.  I have a 3.98 cumulative GPA and I'm on the Dean's List every semester.  I'm a member of two different honor societies.  I am not bragging; my point is that I am too smart to be this fat.  No, really.  I am.  I can tell you the calorie count and fat grams in any food, right off the top of my head.  I can tell you how many calories you would have to cut in order to lose 2 lbs a week.  I can tell you that no, muscle does not "weigh more than fat," because a pound of fat weighs the same as a pound of muscle -- one pound -- but muscle is more dense. I can tell you that a pound of fat "costs" 3500 calories shaved off of your weekly diet.   I know this; I know how calorie expenditures and workouts and all of that work.  I have been doing this dieting thing for over 25 years.  So no, I am not bragging. I am just stating that I have long had the knowledge to do this but I could never finish what I start and make it to my lifetime goal of 145 lbs or size 10, whichever one feels best.  I have always felt in my heart that I could do anything, only my body was beginning to fail me and not let me accomplish everything I want to do.

Ten years ago I lost 80 pounds but unfortunately I gained it back, plus some.  In those 10 years I have sat at the same desk at work, I have not educated myself, I have not traveled the way I want to, I have not done any of the things I have always wanted to do.  My body simply can not keep up with my ambitious and adventurous spirit.

In my heart, I am a runner.  Last summer I had trouble walking.  I am walking better now and picking up speed, but I want to start jogging before the year is out.  From jogging will come running.  I can do it.  If I treat my body well I can do it.   I can do anything if I just treat my body well.

So far, I have had a great start and I'm looking forward to shaving off another 50 lbs and getting to goal.

Product Review: Betta Foods Chicken TVP

In my last post I mentioned that I have a family history of cholesterol issues, so I can appreciate veganism as an option for a cholesterol-free diet.  Lately I have been substituting meat with TVP granules by Bob's Red Mill.  According to Wikipedia TVP, or textured vegetable protein (sometimes called TSP for textured soy protein), "is a defatted soy flour product; a by-product of extracting soybean oil. It is often used as a meat analog or meat extender. It is quick to cook, with a protein content equal to that of meat." 
Unlike meat, though, TVP is fat free, cholesterol free, and has fiber so it's very filling, even when you use just a small amount.  It is a lot cheaper than meat, too, which is great for my student grocery budget.

The granule type TVP has worked fine for what I wanted to do, but on Thursday I got delivery of 6 bags of 3 different kinds of TVP from Betta Foods.  I got chunks this time because I wanted to make some cholesterol-free versions of dishes where, usually, meat is the centerpiece -- like faux chicken salad, barbecue beef and such -- and the TVP needed to be able to hold its shape.  I got 2 different kinds (4 bags total) of beef-like chunks and 2 bags of chicken-like chunks. 

Let me talk to you about the chicken TVP chunks.

For lunch today I re-hydrated a 1 ounce serving (2/3 cup) of the chicken chunks.  The amount doubles after you re-hydrate it so you get a lot of food for 100 calories, 2 Weight Watchers Points+, and no fat.  TVP is flavorless and takes on the flavors that you cook and season it with so it is extremely versatile when you want to be creative with recipes.  I seasoned it with ground red pepper, paprika, onion powder, garlic powder, cumin, and some Mrs. Dash Southwestern Chipotle flavor salt-free blend.  Then I mixed in 1/4 cup of diced fire-roasted tomatoes and microwaved it in a glass container for 3 minutes.  Then I warmed up a high-fiber, low-carb, whole-wheat tortilla.  Then I mixed 1/2 cup of non-fat plain yogurt with 2 tbs. of salsa and spread half of that mixture on the tortilla.  Then I dumped 2 cups of spring mix salad greens into a bowl.  Then I dumped in the seasoned TVP mixture.  Then I put in 1/4 cup of Daiya cheddar style vegan cheese, the BEST vegan cheese out there because it melts!  Then I halved 4 grape tomatoes and put those on top.  Then I gave it a good shake and stir.  Then I put 1/3 of the whole mess on the tortilla, rolled it up burrito style, and started cramming it down my pie hole.

It was epic, I tell you.  EPIC!

The leftover "salad" that was still in the bowl went into the fridge along with the rest of the dressing that I'd made from yogurt and salsa.  If I had eaten all of it, it would have come to only 9 Points+, which is great because it was a LOT of food with plenty of filling bulk.  I could easily make 3 or 4 more burritos with it.  It was the right mix of protein and fiber to satiate my hunger and to keep me satisfied.  The protein came from the TVP, the yogurt and the tortilla.  The fiber came from the veggies, the TVP, and the tortilla.  It wasn't totally vegan because of the yogurt, but at 8 grams of fat and a trace amount of cholesterol for the whole recipe, which I didn't eat all of, it was a total win.

And, if you don't have any soy issues and only a little bit of money, you should totally consider using TVP in your recipes.

Eating fresh

Today was grocery shopping day, one of my most favorite times of the week. I love strolling the aisles, taking the time to read labels and decide what product is the best choice for my diet. I am definitely a new product junkie and willing to try anything new. But mostly, I have been trying to eat as fresh as possible.

When I first started this journey, I let Lean Cuisine and my microwave cook for me. I didn't even eat any fresh fruit or vegetables, just Lean Cuisines and Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen meals and entrees for lunch and dinner coupled with cereal and milk for breakfast. Sometimes I'd have canned light soup (the Weight Watchers endorsed Progresso). Once I figured out that I could use a couple small appliances and buy fresh ingredients to make tastier meals than frozen and canned ones, I was on a roll! I bought this new Crock Pot and this George Foreman grill. (The crock pot was very inexpensive but I paid a little more for George because it has removeable grill plates to make cleanup easier.) I live alone so I have no one to worry about when it comes to preparing meals that everyone will like. In the process I have been saving a ton of money along with time.

My Crock Pot is a lifesaver! I can put protein, seasonings, and root vegetables in it, go to work, and come home to a great meal. If I forget to thaw my protein, it's no problem; George can handle boneless/skinless chicken and fish whether it's frozen or not. And it always turns out delicious! Sometimes I just buy big bags of frozen boneless/skinless chicken thighs and take out one, as I need it, for a fast meal from the grill. Spices and Mrs. Dash are important and I've stocked my cabinet with many varieties to give my protein different flavors and kick.

Lately, tilapia and boneless/skinless chicken has been the only meat I've eaten. I decided to stop eating red meat and for recipes that call for it, I've been using TVP chunks or flakes, or even using imitation vegan meat analogs. I make a very filling taco soup in the Crock Pot using TVP and it always tastes so awesome. It's even better the next day because the flavor explodes and it's all I can do to keep from imersing my whole head in the bowl. Yet it's completely vegan and I don't miss the meat at all.

Now, I don't profess to be a vegan, but I do have familial cholesterol concerns so eating vegan sometimes really helps with reducing my cholesterol intake. I otherwise eat a low fat, reduced salt, reduced calorie diet. I do eat carbs by way of whole grains -- I really love Nature's Own Double Fiber Whole Wheat Bread. It has only 50 calories per slice and it's loaded with 5 grams of fiber. I also love Triscuit crackers -- the Rosemary Olive flavor is awesome.

For snacks I love to eat two Cuties, the little clementine mandarines, with a string cheese stick. Or, I'll have an apple with 1 tbs of Peanut Butter. If I want chips, I'll choose Baked Tostitos or a half-serving of regular fat, unsalted chips and dip them in homemade salsa mixed with a little non fat sour cream. These are low Points+ values snacks that work on the Weight Watchers program.  Actually, anything "works" on Weight Watchers, and that is exactly why I love it.  I can budget my points for big meals or not use them at all.  I haven't felt deprived since I started the program and I am kicking myself for not having started sooner.

Dinner is usually my grilled protein with a HUGE green salad. Fried, breaded foods with heavy sauces are out!  I love to experiment with different field greens, baby spinach, and spring mix. I usually top the salad with grape tomatoes, cucumbers, broccoli, and a little shredded carrot, though I keep forgetting to add fruit, which is silly because I absolutely LOVE fruit in my salads. I spray it Wish Bone Salad Spritzers (ranch vinaigratte is my favorite).

So going from a cheeseburger-pizza-greasy chinese food person to what I eat now is a huge change. I plan to eat like this for the rest of my life.

What about you, what are some of your favorite healthy meals?

Valentine's Day: How will I love myself?

Today is February 14th -- Valentine's Day -- or ten days until my 37th birthday. 
Two and a half months ago, on December 2nd, I decided to make a change in my life.  I was at the heaviest weight I have ever been -- I was having difficulty breathing; I was having difficulty moving; I was white-knuckling my way through excruciating back pain all day, every day; I was always too tired to do this, too tired to do that.  I would come home from work and school and just collapse.  Literally.  I was depressed because my weight was making me miserable, and I would (try) to alleviate the depression by eating. I was in a rut, a vicious and endless emotional binge eating cycle that I knew I could not continue anymore.

By Christmas eve, I had lost 12 pounds and though I was feeling a teeny-tiny bit less miserable, I was still feeling physically bad.  The holidays came and went and I swore to myself that it would be the last holiday season where I'd be too tired to do the fun family things that kept me from enjoying myself and my loved ones during that time of the year.  After Christmas day my mom, sister, two nieces and I planned what was supposed to be a girls' day of shopping.  But I sat in the truck and napped because 1.) nothing in the store would fit me 2.) I was in pain, winded, and just miserable.

This was embarrassing to say the least.
Then, my landlady told me that I eat too much.  I had told her via email that my rent might be late (I'm a student and I only work part time) and she said, more or less, that if I stopped eating so much I could probably afford the rent. 

I was mortified.

But something clicked after she said that and I decided to join Weight Watchers to really knuckle down on my eating. I've made excellent choices about my health since then. I knew that I was morbidly obese, but I had never ever had someone tell me out right.  Not even my physicians.  Maybe my landlady saying so was the push I needed?

So here I am, about 11 weeks later and 50 lbs lighter.   I feel better -- minimal back pain -- but I'm still not out of the woods.  I have a massive, incredible amount of weight to lose.  I am terribly ashamed of how big I have gotten and not very ready to post numbers, but I am absolutely proud of how far I have come.  I know that I'll eventually have to post numbers in order to be completely honest about myself in this space.  But even if I never did, people with 3rd grade math skills would be able to figure it out anyway.   But 50 lbs down -- that's what keeps me motivated; looking back and seeing that I have lost the equivalent of my 7 year old nephew. 

So what's the real purpose of this blog?  It's probably just going to be a space where I write out my successes and boo-boos, my eating patterns, favorite products (with reviews), favorite workouts and exercise routines.  It will be one of the many tools I'll utilize to re-learn how to love me because for too long I have not been very kind to myself.  It'll be a space for accountability, taking responsibility for my health and taking action to improve it.

I have a little over 3 years before my 40th birthday and I have made a vow to be healthy by then. I spent my childhood, my teens, my 20s, and most of my 30s in a body that is not representative of who I am.  This body is not me; it is not the body of someone who loves themself. I have not treated my body kindly, I have not nourished it or taken care of it.  But that has come to an end.  My 40th birthday (should) coincide with my graduation from college and first year of grad school.  It's going to be a great time in my life and I want to be in the best physical condition that I can be to celebrate it the way it should be.

I invite you to follow my journey.

So, this Valentine's Day has been an inventory of how I will take steps to continue treating my body well.  It's how I'll love myself