Step Work Wednesday: I Am Enough!

I have not written in a couple of weeks but there really hasn't been much to say beyond what've I've always been doing.  I'll try to blog more often now that there are some projects in the works for me to tackle over the summer.

But I wanted to write today because something happened that could have knocked me off track. And since it happened on a Wednesday, I thought I should apply the steps to this event.

I found out today that someone from my past that I truly, really loved has moved on.  Now, of course if they are from my past then they pretty obviously had done so (as had I).  And, granted, I was the one who ended all contact, but when you hear that someone is having a happy life without you when you otherwise had hoped that their happy life had been with you, it kind of does something to you.  Well, for me it did.  I really did want to be this person's friend, and I tried to be for a year after breaking up, but it was best for my cerebral health that we not be.  Our definitions of what a friend is differed.  We differed in too many ways that prevented a peaceful relationship of any kind, let alone a romantic one.  I'm pretty sure they'll make a great partner for someone because this person is an incredible human being -- but that someone is not me.  I choose not to be a parent but they wanted kids ... we would have never gotten along.

Anyway, after hearing that this person from my past had "officially" moved it on brought some old negative feelings of self doubt out of the closet.  You know the ones - "What was it that I did wrong?"  and "Why couldn't it have worked for us?"  and the worst one, "Why wasn't I good enough? I should have just shut up and had a kid."


And once your mind starts messing with you like that, making think about going against your own standards, you start to fall into that pathetic self-pitying woe-is-me cycle.  I stuck my toes into that cycle today.  I did.  But instead of cramming food down my throat as I would have in the past, I put on my shoes and I went for a walk.  For the first thirty minutes I could barely see because of my stupid tears.  But I had to keep going, keep walking, and in addition to my crying I was walking down the street, thinking about the lead picture that I downloaded earlier this week, almost yelling YOU ARE ENOUGH!  YOU ARE ENOUGH! 

I'm pretty sure I was a peculiar sight.

On my return trip I had calmed down some but I was still upset.  Then I crossed to the west side of the street because it was tree-lined and the sun was burning the sweat and tears on my face.  That's when I came upon this ...

... and then I just started to feel better.  I stopped walking and just stared at that personalized plate for a good three minutes.  It made me snap out of my self-pity.  I wanted to run up to the house it was in front of, knock on the door, and thank that person.

Be Who You Are Because You Are Enough:
3)  We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.

15) We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for our growth.

16) We grow in awareness that we are sacred beings, interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet.

The choice that I made, to not be a parent, was decided upon long before I met this person and it is the right choice.  It is the choice that will be fine for the one who is right for me.  It is my "authentic self" and it is my truth.  I almost started to beat myself up for feeling sad about what is no more because SuperWomen are unbreakable, right?  No!  Fear of tears and refusing to feel does not mean you're unbreakable.  I accept that being sad is okay, it's part of "life as natural events that can be used as lessons for growth." I understand that at 37 years old I have not yet met The One, it's possible that I never will.  And that is okay because I am enough.  I am enough because I am a loving and creative person who values true honesty, respect, and friendship.  I am enough because I am more than just my relationship status.  I am enough because I am everything to those who already love me.  I am enough because I love myself.  I am enough because the people that I love have not one iota of doubt that I do.  I am enough because I contribute my happy energy to the world.  I am enough.  


I am enough!


I leave you with a word from my cool friend Margot who was very timely at yelling this at me after learning that I fell off my new bicycle this morning, because it could be applied to everything that happened today: "Get back on that bike! Keep riding!"


Yes, ma'am.